Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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