4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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