After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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