I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
