I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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