I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
a search helicopter?!
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
