why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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