I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
