god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize