is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
