Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We don't watch enough power rangers
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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