Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
