Jerry, you need to find god
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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