i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
