today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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