Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
