Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
