Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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