bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
