I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
