dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
