I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
