if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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