Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
