I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
