if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
