i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
