Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
