if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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