Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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