Got a toothbrush?
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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