It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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