Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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