Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
