Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
