i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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