I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
