Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
