My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
