I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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