There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
