he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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