smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
When are your genitals available?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
