She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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