I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
