Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
