Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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