guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just want to make out with him forever
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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