The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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