he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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