Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
