Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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