Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
