New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Well I just put wine in my tea
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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