ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
