I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
