Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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