apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
