With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
