Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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