i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
