one might say we're banned from that church
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
