Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
